Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen, you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break
it to ya Santa, but it's pay back time. There had better be some changes
around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you
don't wanna be around to smell it. These
are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking
like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic
bump of a boy-toy Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher doesn't cut it. I
want to make real money.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 39 years - I think I deserve a
piece
of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you you don't like it you can find
yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
Barbie
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Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for
anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that
disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my
fashion
choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires.
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES
NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the
years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The
Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening
gowns, and some of us do not even have the ablility to change our
hairstyle.
I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was
immeditately quashed, which I protest for it was my decision and reflects
my
lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative
nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken", "Beauty
Salon Ken", or "Broadway Ken". Other avenues which could be
considered are: "Go-Go Ken", "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or
"West Hollywood Ken". These would more accurately reflect my interests and,
I believe, open up markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I
need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored will result in legal action
being taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget
about G.I. Joe - he's mine. At least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
THANKS TO DR.LOVE FOR WRITING THE NEXT THREE LETTERS TO SANTA! THEY ARE SO FUNNY! THANKS!
Dear Santa,
I have read the reports of Ken and Barbie's recent quarrelings, and I
want to give my two cents worth about the whole thing. Okay, first of all,
I think that you should tell Barbie to shove it up her plastic little...
For almost 40 years now, she's had her role in the
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Raggedy Ann's Letter to Santa:spotlight, and it makes me sick. Let
some other toy get a chance. She's so uptight about the little things,
only
dogs can hear her fart. I think that you should stop giving her to those
innocent little girls ALL TOGETHER, because it's only teaching them to grow
up to be anerexic, bulemic little monsters with a bad attitude and 24/7
PMS.
DO YOU WANNA BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING SLUTS?!? No, I don't think
so. Let's cut down on the cheerleader population, eh? It's bad enough as
it is...
Secondly, I don't see what that queer little Ken has to complain about,
'cause he has it just as well off, if not better, than Barbie does. He's
obviously not a normal guy, because any male that would be FORCED to sit in
the bottom of some toy box with a tall naked blond chic should be HAPPY.
You wonder why there's so many teen pregnancies? Cause of Ken, that's why.
Training them all to be little pimps to play all of the blond bimbos out
there. You leave a buncha little Barbies sitting around naked, and you get
freakin' 5 year old boys with hard-ons. YOU WANNA BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR
A
BUNCHA CHEERLEADER BANGING JOCKS?!?! No, I don't think so...
So here's what I say: cut Barbie AND Ken off. Screw 'em both, so to
speak. You don't need them for a successful season. Don't let them boss
you around like that! Ya know something else? You shoulda stuck with us
good old toys, ya know, little dolls who couldn't talk or eat or cry or pee
their pants or whatever Little Susie Sucks Alot can do now. Just give the
girls a DOLL! A simple freakin' chunk of plastic that looks like a
defective baby. And what's up with GI JOE, too, while I'm at it? Teach
the
kids to blow stuff up. Yeah, give him a few machine guyns here, a nuclear
warhead there. And the media wonders why people are gettin' shot up into
swiss cheese everyday, it's because of stupid concepts like GI JOE. It's
interesting how the decline of society has been directly associated to your
futile attempts at pleasing children with a buncha horny, hate-filled,
naked, homicidal, gay little toys. STICK WITH THE REAL THING! The jump
ropes, the bicycles, a baseball bat... and of course, then there's little
ol' red haired me.
I know that we had some poor relations in the past, but I SWEAR it
wasn't
me that was sitting on Pinnoccio's face and moaning for him to lie to me!!!
I give you my word that it was Barbie. You heard her tell you that she's
looking for another man! She's after Pinnoccio's woody I'm telling you!
In
any case, I think it's totally unfair that you discontinue my Christmas
deliveries and production because of some NASTY rumor that BLOND SLUT is
telling you! STICK WITH THE REAL THING, Santa! You and I OWNED Christmas
back in the day, and we could do it again... you'll see. Just ditch those
modern hunks of plastic - write back to me and we'll talk...
Sincerily,
Raggedy Ann
P.S. - if you do decide to stick with Barbie and Ken, could you AT LEAST
find me someone other than Raggedy Andy?! That's the biggest problem with
making male dolls out of cloth and stuffing instead of plastic... Andy is
always too soft to do anything with! Hook me up with some Viagra here,
Santa!
********************************
G.I. Joe's Letter to Santa:
Message from Lietenant G.I. Joe to Commander Claus,
Sir! I greet you warmly, and hope that this letter finds you in good
health. How are the guns turrets me and the men installed at the North
Pole
Workshop working? Any more grinch attacks recently?
Okay, as my first order of business, here is my military advice to you
for what to include with this season's regiment of JOE's:
1. A PSG-1
2. A Barret Light .50
3. An F117a
4. An Uzzie
5. A nuclear warhead
6. Shark's with lasers attached to their heads
7. And finally, do you think this year I could get a frickin' laser,
perhaps?
Those are my suggestions toward a good Christmas season.
Secondly, I have heard about a recent quarrel between the toy world. I
don't care what happens, sir, I'll stick by your side 'til the end. As
your
most militant toy, I suggest possibly that we merely NUKE all of the
remaining stock of toys? As much as I like Ken touching me... he's just
too
much. I don't like him that possessive of me, my work must come first. I
suggest that we use the remaining Ken dolls as target practice for the
GI's.
Imagine how happy a little 5 year old boy would be blowing away his
sister's favorite male doll! And just think of all the forts that we could
make after we melt down Barbie's implants! It'll be a sight to see, sir,
when you're riding your sleigh up high, watching all those STUPID little
plastic pussies burn... heck, you could give Rudolph the year off this
season and use the burning light from the molten plastic.. heheheh... yes
yes... BURN, Barbie, BURN!!! hehehe... Ahem. Anyways, sir, I must return
to
my post. Ten hut!
G.I. Joe, signing off
********************************
Tickle Me Elmo's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
Me Elmo! I write you after reading Barbie's letter. Elmo have ONE
little
wish for this season. Elmo sick of being tickled by little boy and girl.
Elmo no want be fondled by little kids. Elmo think that ICKY! Elmo want
to
be someone else's present. Elmo want to bang Barbie. Elmo like Barbie,
she
have BIG boom booms. Barbie brought to me by the number 6, 9, and X. Elmo
think maybe make episode of Seasame Street where Elmo show kids how screw
Barbie? Sex ed episode of Seasame Street, yeah yeah! Then, Big Bird can
peck on Oscar the Grouch ... maybe he then not be so grouchy! What you
think Santa? Email me!
Bye bye Santa
Elmo
BOYS
>
> A heart is not a play thing,
> a heart is not a toy,
> but if you want it broken,
> Just give it to a boy.
>
> Boys they like to play with things
> To see what makes them run,
> But when it comes to kissing,
> They do it just for fun.
>
> Boys never give their hearts away
> They play us girls for fools,
> They wait untill we give our hearts
> And then they play it cool.
>
> You will wonder where he is a night
> You will wonder if hes true,
> One moment you will be happy,
> One moment you will be blue.
>
> If you get a chance to see him
> Your heart begins to dance
> Your life revolves around him,
> Theres nothing like romance.
>
> And then it starts to happen,
> You worry day and night
> You see, my friend, you're losing him
> It never turns out right.
>
> Boys are great, though immature
> The price you pay is high,
> He may seem sweet and gorgeous
> But remember, hes a guy.
>
> Don't fall in love with just a boy
> That takes alot of nerve.
> You see, my friend, you need a man
> To get what you deserve.
>
> So when you think that you're in love,
> Be careful if you can
> Before you give your heart away
> Make sure that hes a man.
>
>
> Girls
>
> There are many good things in life,
> like cars, money, and weed.
> But if you want something confusing,
> a girl is all you need.
>
> A girl doesn't say what she wants,
> but you're somehow supposed to know.
> If they want to do this or do that,
> stay here, stay there, or just go.
>
> Then there's the time, you all know what
> i mean,
> that monthly little joy.
> That lets them abuse the shit out of you,
> just for being a boy.
>
> If you ever dare look at another girl,
> they seem to scream, go on, and panic.
> But watch how fast they ignore you,
> at the sight of that queer from Titanic.
>
> They give you questions like "Am i fat?",
> and "If you could go with one of my
> friends, who?".
> There is no answer, face the facts,
> you are definatly through.
>
> They take nothing and blow it up,
> and make a tremendous fuss.
> So girls, no matter what you think,
> you are just as hard to understand as us.
>
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